pinakamaganda

This online journal thingy is making me an addict.

Is it really true that being mysterious makes a woman hot? Well if that’s the case, then (sad to think) I’m not it. My life is becoming an open book now. I publish my thoughts freely. But come to think of it, this activity is better than lying down for hours attempting to sleep and not sleep at all. I have been asking myself the same stupid question of “why can’t I sleep” for so many years. I attempted to change my sleeping habits but of no success. I tried to apply those sleeping advices from different books and magazines. But I still failed. My mother would always tell me that I would look older than her after a few more years. *sigh* When I hear or even think of that comment, that same question pops again… Why can’t I sleep???

Possible Reasons:

• Over-Analytical. Hell yeah. I think of what I did or just did in the past (past hours, past days, past weeks, even past years!). All those embarrassing things I did… countless! But I think I shouldn’t be embarrassed… For some people it would be embarrassing to do those things (no need to mention them all). Some are intentional. That’s what I call guts. And I enjoyed doing them actually. Back in college, I think of all those wrong moves I did in varsity games (SCUAA especially) which made our school lost, those “i-know-the-answer-but-still-answered-the-incorrect-one” on exams, those “bad-but-a-little-good” behaviors. Very sad. All those risks I took and presently taking… I am over analyzing again…

• Over-Critical. Unfortunately yes. After analyzing all the good and bad things I have done in the past, I then become over-critical. Why, basically I order myself not to do those terrible things again. But then I would do it again and then the same analysis-criticism process goes again… then I can’t sleep again.

• Over-Imagination. Oh yeah… the wonders of fantasy. Sometimes it drives me crazy. We are living in a very imperfect world. It’s not bad to fantasize the perfect life.

• Over-problematic. Probably. Thinking of problem solutions would take me long (think of math).

• Excitement. Sometimes. It’s a very good feeling. It’s nice to sustain it for a while.

• In Love. Nah… Too early to tell…

• There I’m thinking again… This should stop. I’ll try to sleep again

Possible Treatment: Sleeping Pills!

I saw that title as one of Cosmopolitan’s (april’05 ish) featured articles. Although I haven’t really read the whole article yet, just looking at the title made me think.

As in sobra akong nagisip. Kaya eto, nagmuni muni na naman ako. This is gonna be long…

Hindi naman ako yung sobrang super breadwinner ng family ko. My family is not that big. Living with only one parent na lang plus 3 brothers (one just finished College, no job yet, one in College, and the youngest just finished high school) is quite hard. I am not the eldest but being the first one in the race (race to finish college) puts me in the hot seat ever.

I was quite enjoying the good life back then. You know, birthday/graduation (elem/hs) celebration/parties, weekend “labas” with the whole family (dati pa yun nung ang tawag pa sa Alabang Town Center ay Alabang Twin Cinema, tapos wala pang festival mall, wala pa ring southmall or kagagawa pa lang, mga ganun na katagal..), gimiks then and there… I was so unaware of the sad realities surrounding me. We’re not rich naman. We’re just one of the middle-classes out there. Pero dahil only daughter ako, mashado lang siguro ako in-ispoil ng onti lang. Ano ba yan, kwento ba buong buhay dito? Hehe.. ok lang, this is a virtual escape naman.

Anyway, bakit ba ako nagdradrama dito? Actually nahihirapan lang talaga ako. Everytime na naiiwan akong nag iisa at nababakante ang isip ko, naiisip ko ang lahat lahat ng reasons ng sadness ko. It was late College years nung na realize kong we are under a financial crisis, pero hindi ko pa alam ang full details. Easy easy pa rin ako. Pero kahit na noh, nag pa sideline sideline din naman ako nung College for extra income. Tapos, a series of very many sad and unfortunate events happened that put us really really really sooooo down. Nagkasakit, nawala daddy, nagkasakit, naoperahan, na-bypass mommy, etc… Ang sad ko talaga. Buti na lang nakagraduate naman ako on time, sad pero masaya pa rin kasi naisip ko, yes makakawork na ko, this is the start ever.. Tapos mabibili ko na lahat ng type ko bilhin (hay nako naiisip ko na naman yung nakita kong sexy swimwear dun sa nothing but water… haay very sad!).

But no.. ganon pala talaga, pag nasa corporate world ka na, you’ll be more mature and you really have to be mature because that’s the time when you have to face reality all by yourself. Kanya kanyang diskarte na to. Hirap pa ng life ngayon. Kahit na gaano kalaki salary mo compare sa iba, parang kulang pa rin. Mahirap mag maintain ng malaking bahay, tapos sanay ka pa sa kumpletong gamit and everything, not to mention sanay ka pa ng merong katulong. Shempre, dapat magbibigay ka sa family mo. Everytime payday comes along, masaya na ko ulit kasi me pera na ko. Kaya lang bigla naman akong malulungkot kasi kailangan kong magbigay ng share ko. Minsan as in kailangan mo pang magbigay ng sobra kasi badly needed. Siguro tama yung iniisip sakin ng ibang tao, selfish nga siguro ako. Sobrang pressure kasi tong nararamdaman ko. Kahit ilang beses kang mag complain, ala kang magagawa, ganon na talaga. Its really very hard to accept it. This is one of life’s greatest challenges that’s very hard to face. Kailangan tough ka or else mapagiiwanan ka. Kaya eto magiisip isip na naman ako. Masama na ba akong anak/kapatid? Tapos shempre bigla kong maiisip, ha! kung masama akong anak/kapatid dapat matagal ko na silang iniwan (hehe… pagtanggol ang sarili). Pero shempre hindi ko ginawa. Kami kami na nga lang natitira dito. Tapos magiiwanan pa kami.

Sana nga wala na lang akong feelings para hindi ako ma-sad lagi everytime na nag-iisa ako. Pero panget yun, kasi kung wala akong feelings, wala akong mapo-post dito. Iisipin ko na lang na kung walang mga ganitong situations sa buhay ko, my life would probably be so boring. Positive Outlook! hehe… This is what makes life so colorful. After all, everything happens for a reason. And perhaps those reasons will help me grow.

Sana mas maganda pa rito yung mga next posts ko. Ok lang, wala pa kong maisip eh. Ang alam ko lang, malungkot ako ngayong araw na to. This is a very very great way for self-expression, self-criticism, self-pity, self-etc.. So kung gusto kong apihin ang sarili ko sa lahat ng katangahang nagawa ko in the past, very good. Shempre kung gusto ko ring mang okray ng iba, eh di ok rin! Pero bad yun. It’s time to change na. Matanda na ko, tama na yung super analysis ng mga personality ng mga tao sa paligid ko. Pero minsan masarap din mag analyze. hmmm… Mashadong busy ang mga susunod na araw. So kung mag-a-analyze rin lang, sa programming na lang diba? Malapit na kasi ang bitay. Deadline na naman. Tuwing iniisip ko ang mga deadline na yan, kinakabahan na naman ako. Hay ang dami ko ng sadness. Triple Sadness na to so far. Ang sad pa nyan, first post ko to. Dapat masaya to para masaya yung mga susunod na posts. Sabagay, wala namang requirements ang mga first posts sa blog. Ako lang ang nagbibigay ng mga requirements ever. Na dapat special ang mga firsts na yan. Siguro hindi lang naman ako yung ganon, for sure marami kaming mashadong big deal ang mga “firsts”. Pero yun nga, magbabago rin yan. Kanya kanyang principles lang naman yan, ika nga. Hindi naman lahat ng “firsts” ay special. Special people, special moments, special things, special places.. all of these become special when you treat them special, dibaz? Kanya kanyang outlook na lang yan. I really feel so sad today. Di bale, antok na rin naman ako so itutulog ko lang to. Sana managinip ako ng masaya, para masarap ang gising kinabukasan. I’ve got to find a way to soothe this sadness.