pinakamaganda

After confiscating my credit cards, my brother now begins to confiscate my atm! I did a lot of thinking about this. So after some thorough analysis, I gave in. it’s not because I am afraid of him (although I really do) but because he’s right (again)… and it pisses me off.

I tried a lot of times to handle my finances well, and it turned out so bad. I was never really good at it. So when my brother texted me his anger about the finances and everything for the family, i knew right then and there that he truly has a point. I thought, it’s payback time. *sobbing as of the moment* I was too selfish to share something for the family. When I have my atm, I would still have a hold on my money, which means I would always see myself as my number one priority. if kuya holds it, at least he can decide for the whole family, not just for one. I ran away from home just to escape from my obligations. Apparently it was successful. But fate brought me back and though it was still very hard to accept the situation, I have to give in.
It was very sad because it was part of my dream. In college, I studied so hard so I could graduate on time, have a great job and splurge on my wants with very zero guilt. But fate has been not that good to me. Up to now it’s still hard to accept that we are truly in need. And that we are so poor.

It’s a pity since until now, my understanding and acceptance are still poor to the highest level. I still think about me… About my intentions. I’m even thinking, what about my gimiks, my makeups, my cosmopolitans… etc… what if I need money for my “luho”? I’m still happy go lucky person who thinks that nobody else’s around here but me. 3 years working… I feel so sorry for myself since I never developed that sympathy for my family’s situation. I am still selfish.

So giving my atm and accordingly giving up my money freedom would I guess push me to think about them. Not just myself.

Sad to say, I’m back to the student level again. You know, brother leaves my baon for the day on his drawer/dresser then I get it before I leave. How sad!

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i joined the volleyball team of fujitsu for an inter-company volleyball tourney coming this february. i know my skills and capabilities on this sport. just like other sports that i joined in, i know how to play yet i am not a “star” player.

i thought a try out will be held for this. i am a bit nervous on the try outs since as what i have said, i am not a star player. there are probably a lot more volleyball players that are very good in fujitsu.

so i asked again my sport adviser sim… to help me… inspire me… build my confidence and all those boosters i need to pursue this “career”. he texted me the same advise. play… defense… and most of all have fun. so he mentioned again this athlete of the year thing to boost my confidence. and it perfectly served its purpose.

i admit. i still get excited when i thought about my last palacasan in uplb. apart from the fact that it was really special since it was my last, garnering the athlete of the year award was really over-whelming. its like an mvp award in all sports. but of course it’s not like that… i just felt so happy everytime i remember it.

the one sport that i specialized in during college was chess. it was not that physical and before some people make fun of this sport since it’s just “hand exercises” and all of those stuff. but i don’t really take those jokes seriously, i actually laugh with them. though not very physical, being a chess varsity still requires a lot of training, practice and commitment. i actually had a dream. to play in the olympics or palarong pambansa (philippine olympics) with one sport that i would really specialize in. i chose chess because as far as i can remember, it was the first sport that i ever played (i was prep that time). but never got to pursue it in high school because of serious acads thing. so my 1st sem in college, i was admitted in the varsity team. i got a few medals in tow from tourneys. maybe i was good. but hell there are a lot out there who are sooo better. and unless you are naturally good (i know a lot of players who don’t need books to memorize), you’ll excel. i am not bookish. i was introduced to these openings and others just in college. it was part of my frustrations. like i should have studied chess openings etc so long ago because i do not belong to the “naturally good” players. to make the long story short, i was good but i never excelled. so i guess i would never reach that “olympic/palaro” dream anymore.

so back in palacasan, during that year, chess was included in the sport events. there are a few in my org who wanted to play so an internal tryout was held. orgmates would expect a lot from me since i am the varsity gal. so i should win in the internal tryout, which eventually happened. so there, still affected with the pressure from the org, i prepared to win all the games. chess was a mixed event. so this added more pressure. anyhow, i got a 16win-1draw-1loss standing (i am not sure of the numbers). championship came. i guess my head turned soo big that time since i found out that my championship opponent was one of the players that i beat in the eliminations… i lost. it was very sad because i probably became over confident (ok, yes, i was over confident). i could never forget that. what made it more sad is that it was the end of my chess career. how tragic. that was my “last first-sem” in college. in my “last 2nd-sem”, though i was qualified as a scuaa (regionals) delegate, i wasn’t able to concentrate on this because it was sp time (graduation stuffs).

anyway, i lost in the “should be” my event. but i joined almost every sport there and maybe showed a little talent. basketball.volleyball.chess.swimming.cheering.you name it. for those who doesn’t know me well, bibbo ako (always go). i didn’t bag any mvp award or special award (maybe worth mentioning, i won in a 3-point shoot out game because i really practiced my 3-point shooting when i was still working as a student assistant in baker, the university gym). this “pangangarir” led me to the “athlete of the year” award. there. im happy again . but don’t be deceived i’m just an ordinary playful girl who’s up for anything.

i enjoy everything that i do, including my (hyper)active-ity. probably because i never splurge into something that i know i would never enjoy doing.

i value my varsity, org, palacasan, acads experience in college. but i guess i failed on the “excel” part. as what i have said, i want to excel in something that i truly enjoy. it’s like in a scale, i am always on the “good” side. not better, not best. like in elementary, always on the top 5, but never the 1st.

though it’s late to reach the olympic, “valedictorian or laude” dreams, i am still in the process of searching the excellence that i failed to reach before.

I am still exploring for a specialization that would make me an expert… at the same time, have fun while venturing in this specialty. just one that would make me really excellent.

thats why im grabbing all these opportunities coming, and trying my best on them. maybe the efforts aren’t enough. maybe i need to push further. haay.

so there, back to the root of all this brouhahas. the volleyball team was formed because there was an exact number of responses received from the other female employees in fujitsu. good thing theres no more tryouts. only practice practice/positioning.. i hope i’ll get lucky on volleyball this time.

also, it was another perfect call for me to lose those fats and have an exercise at least once a week.

Time sure flies fast. It’s like after a blink of an eye, 2006 comes to an end. So as I bid 2006 goodbye, here are some of my realizations and “whateverations”…

While I was writing this, I kept on jumping for songs to play (I need some music to set the mood). So here’s my playlist:

Collide (Howie Day)
Bad Day (Daniel Powter)
Half-Life (Duncan Sheik)
At the Beginning (Richard Marx + Donna Lewis)
Another Day (Mojofly)
Tulog Na (Sugarfree)
Nothing’s gonna stop us (Starship)

ENJOY!

2006 was a year of Transition

It all began back in February 06. After a very huge fight with my mother, I decided to take some time off from my munte home and joined my orgmate and her friends in an apartment at Makati. I wanted to be alone for a while… I wanted to break free from pressures at home. So there, after a very dramatic letter to my mom, I took off.

I absolutely enjoyed my “LB” lifestyle in Makati. I love the freedom that it offers. Of course, it includes the countless gimiks with zero guilt. Too bad, I have the freedom, yet I don’t have the man (wtf?!?!).

Then, last June, I accepted the offer from another FUJITSU subsidiary. I bid farewell to my teammates in PNB and transferred to another project. At first excitement was there, not to mention the first ever trip to Japan. But well, later on, I began to miss some things – programming under pressure, having a seriously scary (but sometimes funny) boss, and well, the perks of working with a team (it’s the delivery/dinner moments, coffee breaks…). I may sound a little shallow, but I miss those little things because as of the moment, I feel so alone.

Another transition: though I love the new office at the Fort, it is not anymore convenient to live in Makati since the travel time is almost the same as that in Munte. Anyway, no matter how many work related changes happen, (I have to edit that popular cliché a bit) Work goes on.

2006 was a year of the Travels

Yez. My 2nd international flight – Japan. Yet, it is still an Asian country. The European dream is still floating in my head.

A few weeks after my Japan trip, thanks to Cebu Pacific’s cheap offers, my “firsts” trips to Pinas’s popular destinations happened – Cheap (as in tipid) trips to Boracay and Cebu.

(check out my other site: chronicles of darna).

I hope for more travels to come… (sana europe na)

2006 was a year of Increase!

I was promoted. Salary increased twice. What more could I ask for? Well I definitely want more… hehehe… people never get really satisfied.

2006 was a year of GASTOS!

The first half of the year exposed me to a lot of gastos. Even though I traveled using the cheapest options possible, the expenses still linger up to now. Loan here, loan there… swipe here swipe there that’s why…

And, the Law of Supply and Demand continued to haunt me down as I reached the end of the year. Damn countless shopping sprees that I failed to control since I got tons of load in my ATM.

2006 was a year of uhhmmm… BEER?

I wouldn’t say it’s the year of the gimmicks because, well, I’m an “el gimikera” even before. The difference, before, I can go to gimmicks without drinking. And I would still enjoy it. But now, gimmicks are incomplete without alcohol. Now I learned how to control alcohol. You know, I can drink lots of bottles without getting drunk… that’s an understatement, hahaha. I never liked beer. I really hate the taste. But I learned, it’s not the taste that you’d truly enjoy, it’s the company you’re with. If you enjoy the company, you would enjoy beer. So there, I began to enjoy beer in my gimmicks.

2006 was a year of SELF-GAIN

Some new things that I learned:

Nihongo. I am so grateful for this. I took this one as an opportunity for me to learn a 3rd language. Although I really wanted to learn French (still part of the European Dream), Nihongo is very close to my work. And it is for free! So why not take the chance? I actually took the level 4 exam with barely less than 150 hours of classes. I am not expecting to pass. But I really hope to pass.

More of J2EE Techie Stuffs. I was very afraid to go farther. I only wanted to program. But now, as my former teammate would say, “fear of the unknown” is coming and will continue to come, so I need to learn new stuffs. In my last project, I learned more of the business side, and of course, Java became my favorite programming language. Now, with the help of my new pm, I began to read, implement and learn new J2EE stuffs. It was so overwhelming. Google became my bestfriend (next to PEP, hehehe…), I have bonding moments with Wikipedia, and, JavaRanch, the serverside, and oracle became my allies. Well, I wouldn’t say that I know everything. But I definitely learned so much of the technical side.

Make Up Make Up and lots of makeup! It wasn’t that easy to master that perfect makeup for me. Up to now, I’m still struggling to learn makeup techniques. But at least I got to learn the basics.

And lastly, the most important of all (for me). I learned to play the guitar! At first I thought it was too late for me to learn this stuff. But I also thought, what late?? Im still young, I can still learn a hell lot of things. It was very exciting. Inspired by Imago’s Aia, Mojofly’s Lougee/Kitchie (before) and by my rakista friend and office mate Mich, I bought a guitar before Christmas and swore to learn it before the end of the year. Then on Christmas Vacation (my first ever Xmas Vacation since I worked), kinarir ko ang pag gigitara. I never went out. When I wake up, it’s my guitar, after I eat, after I watch a movie, before I sleep, whole day long for almost a week, my guitar became my boyfriend. My brothers taught me some strumming techniques, and some common chords. The first ever song that I sang and played was “Hawak Kamay”. Aside from the easy chords, it was the fad at that time. Now, I can sing and play my fave feel good songs, and of course, songs from my fave bands… I still haven’t memorized the chord chart yet. It will take some time for now. But learning is a continuous process I say.

What I love about playing the guitar, it relaxes me. I tend to forget my problems for a little while. It’s a great form of expression. Maybe in a couple of months I can put melody in some of my compositions (my poems hidden somewhere in my closet, as you know, I was “feeling poet” before)… I truly enjoy playing donjon (my guitar’s name. Sorry, naming is also a girl thing). I look forward everyday on coming home from the office to play the guitar, most especially if I have new chords to learn.

Badminton. I forgot this in my 1st posting. Not yet an expert. But so looking forward to learn it.

2006: dreams slowly getting fulfilled: “you sexy thing!”

(now there’s two. Stupid me i forgot something very important in my 1st posting – see #2)

1. My dream of having my “fhm” pictures taken was finally fulfilled. I’m very sorry I still got no time to post them here. I’m planning to make a collage. But obviously, got no time to do it.

2. I became a model. For the first time in my life. Kahit FUJITSU model lang sa isang brochure. keribels na yun. basta naging model ako! hehehe… (this is a major milestone in my life!)
MY FAVORITE AND HATEST CHAPTER: Lovelife.

I am thinking of not including this topic but well, my romantic side always overshadows my rational side. I want to go to a fortune teller. Although I don’t really believe those stuffs, I wanted to have at least some imaginary hope that I would find my match this coming year. Nothing special began in 2006. Well, I guess I was dumped twice. At least I applied my skills again on letting go. But it never made me an expert. Though there are a LOT of exceptions, it still hurts and there would still always be pain especially when you see the ones that just went away.

FAMILY

We’re still intact somehow. But yeah, we can still feel the sadness. There’s just the 5 of us now. But we celebrated the Christmas and New Year only four since my brother had to work (in a call center). It’s sad because, he wasn’t supposed to be working, since it should be his Christmas vacation (if he’s a student). But… financial reasons.

During nEw year’s eve, I didn’t sleep. I just spent the whole night to morning playing my guitar alone. After some strumming practice, I finally got to play the easiest song (accdg to mich, since it was the first song that she was able to play – D A G A). I always play in front of the mirror (just to check if my projection is ok, couldn’t help it). This time, it was the huge mirror over the big table in the sala. Then while playing the intro, I realized that I was playing in front of my dad’s pic. I suddenly felt the urge of crying. The song I was playing was Line to Heaven. I missed my dad. That state of “incompleteness”… I felt it terribly that time.

MOVING FORWARD…

Now, wounds have healed. I am going back to my munte home. I am trying to make my family relationship healthy. I still have countless “pissed off” moments with my kuya (since he’s always nagging me about my gastos – what pisses me off is that he is always right). He’s really good in finances I would say. And he really is always not in favor of everything that I do, including my guitar playing (it would make my hand uglier daw). Keber! Whatever!!! But… I finally missed my home. So I’ll go back whole heartedly.

With regards to my never ending love quest, though I feel really something for someone new right now, I’ll mellow down and ditch my “Samantha” habits for a while. A trial again. It’s so frustrating I cannot do anything (even a simple text) just to catch his attention. I don’t want to hurry love anymore… It would end up the same again. Broken hearts broken dreams… I hope everything turns out right this year.

Anyway, a toast…

For my 2006 adventures…
For the thousand lessons learned…
For more songs to play…

For the year ahead…

and for everything else…

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

By the way, it’s my year this year! I hope I’ll get lucky!